Six years ago. Wow, seems like such a long time ago, but then again at times it seems like only yesterday. Six years ago, today, a beautiful little girl was born. My first, natural granddaughter, Haleigh Nicole was born to my daughter, Kimberleigh. It was Kimberleigh’s 1st child. A completely normal, easy pregnancy with no complications. Until today…six years ago. I was in Northern California for Haleigh’s upcoming birth. I didn’t want to miss it…I was there early! We waited…and waited! Finally it seemed like Kim was in labor. We went to the doctor and it was confirmed that indeed Kim was in labor. They had us go ahead to the hospital since the kids lived over an hour away. We were excited. We were happy. We had no idea that our day would end in great sadness and disbelief.
Kimberleigh did wonderfully. On Haleigh’s due date, April 28th, Haleigh Nicole Dickerson was born. I was in the delivery room of Sutter-Roseville Hospital’s Birth Center and was able to witness that great miracle of birth! Haleigh was a beautiful baby with a head full of dark hair! Within minutes of her birth though, the atmosphere in the room changed. Although the nurses were busy cleaning Haleigh and doing what seemed “normal” there quickly became a tension in the room. I heard a nurse on the phone, but I didn’t hear what she said. She was giving Haleigh some “extra” oxygen and then they told us that they were taking her to the nursery to clean her up and weigh her. Her dad, Steven, followed along. What followed turned out to be our greatest nightmare.
I was still in the delivery room with Kim when I heard the loudspeaker outside call “Code Blue Nursery”. I’m not sure how I knew or why, but I knew it was our baby! I told Kim that I would be right back, stepped out into the hall and then literally ran down to the nursery. I arrived in time to see them close the curtains and Steven came out. He told us that Haleigh had needed some assistance and that everything was o.k. I went back to Kim where I told her that it was Haleigh. I wasn’t sure what was wrong but I would try to find out. It took a little while and they came to tell us that they thought Haleigh had a hole in her heart. It turned out to be much worse…worse than we could ever imagine. It seemed like hours, but I don’t think it really was when they came to tell us that they were transporting Haleigh to a Level 1 hospital in Sacramento where they were better able to take care of her. I think it was then they told us she had a heart defect and they would be performing a procedure to “tear” a hole in her heart. At that time we were just waiting for the “Transport Team”. Kimberleigh hadn’t even had a chance to hold Haleigh and I asked if she would be able to at least see her before they took her. I was told that once they “packaged” her up, they would bring her by if it was possible. Imagine having your newborn whisked away within minutes of her birth and not even getting the chance to see her, or say “good-bye”, in case… They did bring her by but it was almost impossible to see her through the tubes and equipment that was surrounding her. Kim was able to touch her hand, but moments later they took her away.
Steven followed the ambulance and I sent the rest of our family home to Kim & Steven’s. Kim was put into a room and we waited, cried and prayed while we waited to hear from Steven. I think our biggest question was “why”. Kimberleigh’s doctor came by and told us that they would release her in a few hours so that she could go to the other hospital to be with Haleigh, but they wanted her to be there for at least 4 hours. At some time Steven called us to say that the procedure was finished, but he didn’t really have any other information. As soon as we could, Kim and I headed to Sacramento. We had our first good look at Haleigh a few hours later. She was so small and hooked up to so many machines! It was heartbreaking to see her. She was on a ventilator and the machines kept beeping and flashing. I don’t remember all the particulars but I know that we were told we were “waiting” for a doctor that was on vacation or something and he wouldn’t be back for a few days. We were also told that Haleigh had “transposed great arteries”. The arteries going in and out of her heart were “transposed” so that the blood that was supposed to be going in was actually going out and vice versa. I remember at the time that they were quite optimistic at that point that she would have heart surgery, her arteries would be reversed and although she still had a long road ahead of herself, she should survive.
My mom, Kimberleigh, Steven and myself became fixtures in the NICU waiting room. We were there for the duration. Kimberleigh and Steven were set-up at the local Ronald McDonald house. If you’ve never had to become familiar with them, they are fantastic and make it so much better for families with sick children. To this day, I can’t say anything but great things about them and what they offer to the families. My mom and I drove back and forth from Sacramento to Beale AFB so that we could take care of the animals at home. Someone from Beale (Steven’s commanding officer?) made sure that I was given a pass so that I could go in and out of the gate without a hassle. They offered to do anything they could for the kids…
On Day 4 Haleigh was taken off the ventilator and put on something that gave her oxygen via nasal prongs. We were finally able to hold her for the very first time! It felt wonderful to get to hold her even though we didn’t have too long. We were able to take pictures with everyone…Mommy, Daddy, Grandma and even Great-Grandma! Kim was hesitant to spend too much time with Haleigh because she had a cold and couldn’t think of anything worse than making Haleigh even sicker. Every time she went in, she wore a mask. Later that day Haleigh was placed back on the vent. It was heartbreaking for all of us.
I think it was about Day 11 when they decided to do an EEG on Haleigh to determine what her brain was doing. I don’t think anyone had ever told us that they feared she had brain damage. That was one of the longest days. You knew it was bad when they asked for Kimberleigh and Steven to come to the hospital to talk about the results. I’m not sure if they gave us false hope or if we were all just in shock, but I truly felt that when they said they would repeat the test in a few days to see if there were any changes, that there could have been…
Even amongst our shock, disbelief and sadness we had a moment of laughter. In the NICU they never turn off the lights. They dim them, but they are always on. At times they would cover Haleigh’s head to shield her from the lights, but there was one day when the lights were dimmed and someone turned them up. Haleigh kind of blinked and looked at us as if to say “hey, turn off those lights”! I know I wondered how they could say she was so brain damaged and yet she would have that kind of reaction. It was so hard to see her, you felt so badly for her. She had monitors all over, the tape that was on her face left her face so red and raw and at times her face and body would be so swollen. It looked so painful.
By this time Haleigh’s outlook looked pretty grim. Steven’s mom flew in from Texas and a day or so later, Don flew up from Southern California. The doctors repeated the EEG and told us that there was severe brain damage and no change from the last test. Basically they told the kids that they would support whatever way they decided to go, but that there was really no hope that Haleigh would ever be a functioning child. She would never be off the respirator, she would never walk, talk, crawl or do anything that a parent would expect her to…and before that would even happen she would still have to survive the surgery to correct her arteries. Her chances were minimal as her kidneys and liver were already beginning to shut down. The decision was made to take Haleigh off the ventilator…
On May 9th, Haleigh was baptized by the hospital chaplain. We were able to dress Haleigh in a dress my sister, Kathy, had given to Kim for her baby shower and wrap her in a beautiful white blanket that my mom had made especially for her. It was the dress and blanket that Kimberleigh had planned on taking Haleigh home in. We were given a private room for the family…in fact it was a room that Kimberleigh had used many times while she was pumping her breast milk for Haleigh. We were finally able to hold her, change her and give her all the love that we could. A nurse came in and took her footprints, handprints and cut off a lock of her hair for Kim and Steven. One of my very favorite pictures of Haleigh is after her handprints when we were cleaning off the ink from her hands. We spent the entire time we had with Haleigh taking turns and holding her and rocking her. She never really ever cried…she only had a whimper or two. I spent a few hours in the middle of the night holding her, singing to her and telling her everything I could think of that I wanted to tell her while Kim tried to get an hour or two of sleep.
The hours quickly drew to a close as we spent time holding Haleigh as her breathing grew shallower and shallower. On May 10th, 2000 Haleigh Nicole Dickerson gently passed away. She was held and surrounded by her family, Mommy – Kimberleigh, Daddy – Steven, Maternal Grandma – Vicki, Maternal Grandpa – Don, Paternal Grandma – Sue, and her Maternal Great-Grandma – Frances.
Even though it’s been six years today, Haleigh is missed, loved and remembered.
Haleigh Nicole Dickerson (April 28, 2000 – May 10, 2000)
“Some people only dream of angels. We got to hold one in our arms”
